your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
