I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Randomize
