You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
