i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Randomize
