she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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