She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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