We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
