am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
