Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
