my mouth tastes like poor choices
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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