john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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