How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
My vagina just recognized that song.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
