So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Randomize