he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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