I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Randomize
