Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
