My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
