Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
this hospital has no fireball
i think my cat just said my name.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
