i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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