whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
