The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
