so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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