you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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