I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
