I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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