I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
