You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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