They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
