sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
