just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
