Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
