Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
