Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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