Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
