I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
