dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
There are leaves in my underwear?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
