I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
