remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
