i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
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