I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I need to stop coming to work sober
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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