apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
