I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
