Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Randomize
