....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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