I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Randomize
