Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
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