i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
