how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
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