Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
