Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
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Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
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Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
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