Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
