first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
