I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
we're making bets on your personal life
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
