It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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