i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
